Here's the deal: diseases get you sympathy from your audience. If you are going to be a writer who gets famous, you are going to need a disease. Here are some classic writer diseases that will not kill you and look great on a resume.

Depression: "I CAN BARELY WAKE UP TODAY," he said. "I am just so SAD." No one knows what depression is, so it is impossible for Charlie Rose to call you a liar. If he does call you a liar, you just reach across that silent table and grab him by the lapels and say: "You do not know my pain, southern man."

Alcoholism: It gives you a place to go and something to do there that you will not mess up. Most writers like to fake alcoholism, so be careful if you get into the real thing. The real thing leads directly to children, which is not considered a disease by society.

One Eye: An eyepatch basically says you know what you are talking about at all times. A GLASS eye will let you stare down publishers in a way that will always ensure your advance. "Where is my money? Did you put my money where you put my EYE, you goddamned fools?"

Blindness: Never work a real job again! Every day someone will show up at your house, peel the crusted sheets from your sobbing, bony body, and then listen -- rapt -- for hours as you tell your tales, writing them down for you. NOTE: BLINDNESS IS HARD TO FAKE. Solutions: war blindness, light blindness, sensitive corneas, narrow eyelids

Consumption: This one has actually been cured, but that doesn't mean you can't "look the part." Smoke as much as possible, eat infrequent meals, and always sit in your chair sideways. When somebody says your name, smile slightly and say: "always; always." Get ready for reverence.

Schizophrenia:

"Do you hear voices in your head?"
"Yes, of course, it is how I write dialog."
"Oh my. And what do these voices tell you to do?"
"They don't tell me to do anything. They engage in human struggles and interpersonal conflict as I direct them. Sometimes they make jokes in relation to one another."
"But you hear them?"
"Sure."
"How would you like the Nobel prize?"
"I am indifferent."
"Fine; merely have a Pulitzer."
"Thank you, sir."

Epilepsy: Does anybody know whose car this is? This is the same car that ran over my dog last week and just kept going. I need to know the owner, so I can give them a punching. Hey, here she comes, wobbling out of the liquor store. Hey, lady, you are a bad woman and you ran over my dog! Get ready for a punching! Oh my god, she's falling on the ground! She's having a seizure! She must be a writer! I did not know! How could I have known?




Posted by miracle on Thu, 06 Mar 2008 15:03:46 -0500 -- permanent link