Saint Oprah of Television -- Patron of the Gullible and Privileged -- Says Amazon's Kindle Will Get You to Heaven
"This is my body. Take; eat. Do this in remembrance of me."

In this year's installment of Oprah Winfrey's "My Favorite Things" -- a televised ritual where billions of people gather together to become one with "a woman who has had a hard life" and who now determines the course of culture by gorging on consumer goods that she "allows herself to love, even though she knows what it is like to have a hard life" -- Ms. Winfrey has urged her angels to raise up the Amazon Kindle, proclaiming it the future of publishing, sealing it with the "O," the chrism of her pain and perspective.

Somewhere inside Oprah is a pissed-off, underestimated creator who wishes that she had not been so beautiful, so driven, so smug, so reptilian, and so "spiritual." Somewhere inside Oprah is a writer that could have been, a person made of words who uses their voice to inspire from the void instead of to manipulate and smother. This writer inside of Oprah -- this creature of imagination, structure, and rage -- has been caged and retasked.

Oprah the TV Sanctified needs to destroy the world of writing and publishing; this world that rejected her even though she never tried to engage with it. She has set her inner writer to draft the story of the death of publishing, pretending only to be winking from the sidelines.

Who was it that said "when women stop reading, then the novel will be dead"? Was it Philip Roth?

1). Step one: gain the world's trust as a brand that means "dignity in the face of adversity," a brand previously held by writers, criminals, and orphans.

2). Step two: gain the dependence of the publishing industry by giving books you love the "spiritual" nod and brutalizing your fans into buying them. Show how writers can become excommunicated (Franzen, Frey). Show how there is even room for freaks (McCarthy) if they are cordial, deferent, and narcotized.

3). Step three: transfer power from print to an electronic medium within your control, a medium that is owned and utilized by people who pretend to be normal, just like you -- smooth, controlled, hygienic people without malice and who have limitless money and grace.

4). Step four: remember your friends; remember your enemies.

5). Step five: destroy the publishing gatekeepers by promoting Amazon, a company which is consolidating power in a big way through a two-tiered scheme: whipping small publishers into dealing exclusively with them while getting their audience addicted to an electronic device which cuts off the heads of the big houses.

Now the writers will come to you with their books. Amazon will publish YOUR smooth, special electronic OPRAH editions. You will call this freedom. "It's all just fun and love!" You will be beloved. The world of print that did not want you will be gutted and reestablished in your image.

There will be casualties.


Oprah needs to see the cunning and the hard-hearted die. She needs to see the disrespectful and tactless wither in the flames of "truth that uplifts." No more liars! No more drunks, lechers, and sharks! They will burn eternally; they will be marked and cut loose to get their emotional shit together or be annihilated. She will tell them what words mean now. She and Jeff will tell them that it is okay to be stupid.

Another one of Oprah's favorite features? The built-in dictionary! If you don't know a word, you only have to hit a button to get the definition instantly. "I was always trying to guess the definition from the context, and I found I'm not as good as guesser as I thought I was," Jeff says.

In addition to being able to download songs for background music, you can ask your Kindle any question that's on your mind. Simply send it off and a group of people called "electronic Turk workers" will research it and send you a reply within five minutes.

Any question that is on your mind? Why do good things happen to bad people? Where do we go when we die? How can I make my man stay home at night and not go out drinking and then come home inflamed and ugly, aching to pick a fight?

Afraid you might lose your Kindle? Jeff says Amazon's got you covered. "Every time you buy a book, we store an archival copy for you at Amazon," he says. "So if you ever want to delete something off your Kindle or if you lose your Kindle, you can always get your books back, re-download them back anytime you want for free."

A place for you...your own place in heaven...

"I had a couple electronic books before, and I wasn't there because I was like, 'I need the book; I have to have the paper. I'm a reader. I'm a professional reader,'" she says.

Oprah says she will talk about her Kindle with anyone who's willing to listen. "Anyone who knows me knows I'm really not a gadget person at all, but I have fallen in love with this little baby," she says. "If you're like me and a little computer challenged, do not be afraid of the Kindleâ€"do not be afraidâ€"because you don't even have to have a computer for it to work. That's the brilliant thing about it."

This is not advertising.

She does not believe in advertising.

She BELIEVES in the Kindle.

Do not be afraid.

She has faith in the buttons, the paper, the company. She has sealed the Kindle within the Kingdom.

Do not be afraid.

She is down on her knees.

You are down on your knees beside her.

You are buying books about the Spirit. Hundreds of books, all in an instant. The spirit flows through you. Capital becomes object becomes personality becomes statement

You are stroking Jeff Bezos on his tonsure and he is speaking in digital Latin: ones, and zeroes, and code. He becomes erect and aroused (flushing, sweating, bucking his hips). But he is so small, so perfect, so neutered.

You lose yourself in the communion of body, spirit, soul, image, and glamor. You have what Oprah has. She fills your body to the fingertips, and you stretch out your arms and you see what she sees and feel what she feels.

You are one. You are her favorite Thing.


Posted by miracle on Mon, 27 Oct 2008 14:02:49 -0400 -- permanent link

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