...Borders UK bookstore is freaking out! Like an assassin delivered in a layer cake, they have exploded out of nowhere this week and are shooting up the whole wedding party, trying everything to hit their mark. Screaming. Wearing red sunglasses. Bullet casings flying over their shoulders in slow motion. Sweat stains. Doves criss-crossing over bullet-riddled children whose tiny hands clench and then unclench around bouquets of roses.



This week in England, Borders UK managed both to launch an online dating website for readers called "Happily Ever After" and to inaugurate the world's cheapest ebook reader, a Borders product manufactured by Elonex that undercuts Sony by ten "pounds."

The Elonex reader is a sly and saucy satire of American ebook readers, eliminating all frills and simply delivering "ebooks" in a black box, without music, internet support, games, or DRM. Borders UK's new reader supports both ePub and Adobe formats, and holds 1000 books, which is probably more books than you will be able to read between now and death, especially if you are only reading "Pride and Prejudice" over and over again, sighing about Mr. Darcy because you are a fretful British middle-class social climber.

Speaking of, then there's Borders UK's new dating website.

I made an account with "Happily Ever After" to cruise the laaaaaadies and see what was shaking in the world of single British Borders customers.

"Borders" sounds appropriate for a British dating site, doesn't it? Clear-cut uncrossable boundaries. Welcome to "Tense Distance," where you shall find a suitable social match with whom you will then begin the long hard road of trying to mate and breed, like a captive Panda.

At first, it wouldn't let me sign up because I couldn't figure out the British "postcode" system. But after some research, I put in the postcode for Big Ben (awwwwwwww yeah) and I was on my way.

The first thing it did was show me my matches.



YOU HAVE A MESSAGE FROM MIRACLE JONES

"Hey girl. You look OLD. The kind of old that just doesn't give a FUCK anymore. Speaking of fucking: lets. You bring the Bible and I'll bring a blood pudding. Friday through Sunday, plus dancing?"

YOU HAVE A MESSAGE FROM WILD ENGLISH ROSE

"Charming. Are you drug and disease free, young man?"

So now I have a date this weekend in Piccadilly Circus with an affluent widow "of years" who promises to teach me a thing or two about "rogering an insatiable, common Molly Tossoff as if she has never brokered peace between hostile nations nor commanded an army into certain death." She says she has a set of anal beads that are worth more than my life as a solid British citizen (she is going to be so pissed when I stand her up).



Based on some of her other profile pictures, I think she is into cosplay.



Posted by miracle on Tue, 30 Jun 2009 19:10:11 -0400 -- permanent link