Disney Buys Marvel

Disney bought Marvel today for $4 billion dollars.


Wolverine sliced through another brick wall, but all he found on the other side was more evil laughter and another dinky trash robot, mocking him. He sliced into the robot's guts and ripped out its internal components, gritting his teeth and growling at the sparks.

"I'm gonna find you, bub," said Wolverine. "I'm gonna find you and make you PAY for what you did to Jean, Dog."

"I'm not a dog, ah-hyuck," said a voice that resounded through every loudspeaker in the Magic Kingdom. "I'm more man than you, fella, and all your talk is just wasting your breath. Just who do you think you are? Sleepy? Dopey? Doc? Bashful?"

"I'm angry," said Wolverine, scaling a wall and grimacing. He threw himself over a hedge and rolled up a grass embankment, crashing into a storage shed.

Inside was the body of Reed Richards, tied into a bloody knot around the purple, swollen face of Victor von Doom. Two chipmunks were bouncing up and down like lunatics on their intertwined corpses. Wolverine howled and charged.

No matter how much he swore and sliced, he could not hit the chipmunks. Their flesh was like air and they moved too fast. Finally, with one last giggling snort at his ineffective thrusts, the chipmunks disappeared down a sewer pipe. Wolverine tore the drain out of the floor and dropped inside.

He followed the sewer down, down, down, until he began to hear screams of pain, coupled with snorts of giddy joy. It was just like what happened with Jean. Was he going to keep going on like this forever, traveling from body to body, finding new atrocities around every corner? His friends. Violated. Destroyed. Gone forever.

The sewer tunnel led him down one last twisting passage and finally ended in a circular room where many other sewer passages also terminated. A hub. And there were people here. It was the source of the screams.

Before he could stop what was going on, he felt steel hands around his chest and he was raised off the ground in a crushing bear hug.

He recognized his friend, although something about his smell was all wrong.

"Collosus!" he said. "How about you 'fastball special' me into those baddies?"

But Collosus was silent. Wolverine peered into the gloom of the sewer hub and tried to get leverage with his powerful thighs to escape Collosus' crushing grasp.

On a steel table, a pretty redheaded girl in a green skirt was being held down and violated by the giant dog man with the protuberant nose, buck teeth, and glassy eyes. Beside her was Peter Parker, the reporter, with a gun in his mouth. Holding the gun was Arcade, dressed head to toe in black leather with a chain around his neck. The dog man was holding the chain in his huge oversized paw.

"See, Arcade?" said the dog creature. "This is how you run a death maze. Gawrsh, I'm gonna kill Spiderman and Mary Jane both, after a whole heckofalot of fun raping. Why don't you go ahead and pull that trigger right now, Arcade, because...I'm...COOOOOOOMING! AAH-HOO-HOO-HOO!"

"NO!" screamed Wolverine. But Arcade pulled the trigger anyway, blowing out the back of Peter Parker's skull as the dog man sprayed the young redheaded girl with candy-colored semen.

Then Arcade turned the gun on the girl as the dog man buttoned his overalls and the girl wept and begged.

"Why didn't I ever think of just shooting them," said Arcade. "This is so fucking easy."

The gun went off again. And again.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," said the dog man. "Your robot replacements are in-dee-stinguishable from the real thing. It's gonna be a WHOLE NEW WORLD! A NEW FANTASTIC POINT OF VIEW!"

"Why are you doing this?" screamed Wolverine. "What do you hope to gain?"

"Why?" asked the dog man. He frowned and twisted a forefinger into his forehead. "The circle of life!"

"Let me go, Collosus!" screamed Wolverine. "Let me shredderize 'em!"

"Aw shucks, that's not your friend Collosus," said the dog man. "That's one of Arcade's brill-yent robo replacements. The real Collosus is deader than Stalin with his strong worker's mouth stuffed with Shadowcat flakes."

"YOU SON OF A BITCH," shouted Wolverine.

"Dispose of that yowling runt, Robocollosus," said Arcade.

Robocollosus didn't move.

The dog man glared at Arcade and yanked on his chain until Arcade fell onto his knees, kissing the ground.

"I give the orders around here, friend," said the dog man.

"Yes sir," said Arcade.

The dog man produced a magic lamp from his pocket. He rubbed it until a massive blue genie came out. The blue genie babbled and babbled until the dog man sickened. He raised his hand and the genie quieted; subservient.

"Go irritate somebody else, genie," said the dog man. "We need your lamp."

"Yes sir," said the genie.

The genie vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Wolverine," said the dog man. "While your replacement does my bidding, prepare to live out the rest of your immortal, regenerating eternity in a place as dark and gritty as your rebellious personality. In a magic lantern. Up a flying elephant's ass! A-hyuck!"

The dog man waggled his fingers.

There was another puff of smoke and then Wolverine was gone. Robocollosus' arms closed around empty air. The lid of the lantern popped off and did a flip, landing perfectly back on the lantern in another cloud of red magic dust.

The dog man whistled and an elephant in clown make-up flew down from the ceiling, clutching a feather in his trunk. The dog man slapped the elephant in the face and pointed to the ground. Sadly, the elephant presented his rectum.

And then, after some twisting and shoehorning, the magic lantern disappeared too. The elephant slunk away, waddling, as Arcade cackled and the dog man did a funny little dance.

Posted by miracle on Tue, 01 Sep 2009 02:10:58 -0400 -- permanent link

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