Hot news for apostate Catholic writers and their unfed, hardscrabble families!

Hell has a hip new socially-relevant agenda.

As those of us who went through all twelve years of CCD know, the deadly sins are the ones that you pay for in life and which corrode your free will by brutalizing the Holy Spirit within you.

It looks like the Church is giving these "deadlies" an upgrade, showing that not only does an individual sinner suffer, but everyone in the sinner's sphere of influence suffers when there is a lapse in individual moral hygiene. As best I can figure, this means that literally every living human is now morally culpable for the state of the fallen world.

Of course, you could always REPENT and go to confession.



Here's the breakdown of the new global sins, correlated haphazardly to their archaic counterparts with help from my old, faded catechism and St. Augustine's Wikipedia site:

Pride --> Genetic engineering
Envy --> Abortion
Wrath --> Causing social injustice
Gluttony --> Taking drugs
Avarice --> Obscene riches
Lust --> Pedophilia
Sloth --> Polluting

Really, only a government can be assured of doing all of these things in a given lifetime.

I am a little sad about this, logistically speaking. You could take care of all seven of the old ones any night at any given bar in New York. But that would be SOME fucking bar if you could get the new ones done in the same convenient time frame.

"Would you like to genejack a fetus while you wait for your stocks to split, sir? Or would you just like another martini?"

"That's a tough one. How old are you?"

"Twelve, sir."

"Then why don't you stand a little closer to that glowing barrel of toxic waste so I can see your pretty face?"



Posted by miracle on Thu, 13 Mar 2008 18:09:26 -0400 -- permanent link