FROM "THE AUSTIN SMALL CRIMES REGISTER," DATED DECEMBER 16TH, 2009:

Suspect was apprehended outside a local taco shack on Red River at 11 PM. Suspect was wearing pages of old newspaper wrapped around his arms and legs and smelled so terrible that the owner of the restaurant was forced to call the police. The suspect's arms and legs were sealed against the cold with frayed strands of duct tape. Suspect was beating on the hoods of passing cars and demanding that the passengers in the vehicles "take fiction seriously."

When questioned by the officers w/r/t "fiction," suspect claimed to have spent the evening attending a fiction show at a local anarchy bar. Suspect claimed to have heard stories so foul that he could no longer properly understand "the concept of genitalia," and had been urged by the entertainers at the show to take his life of begging to new extremes, becoming the best possible angry inebriate if no other occupation in life would ever be a viable alternative.



Suspect also claimed to have been sexually assaulted by a pair of French cabaret singers who may or may not have buffeted his erogenous zones with a length of microphone cable while telling him that it would be possible to "have whatever he wants." He had covered himself in newspaper "to protect himself from Nadej and Olivier," he said.

When questioned further about the fiction show (whose existence the arresting officers were now beginning to doubt), the suspect was not able to answer. The suspect became visibly depressed, picking at the newsprint on his arms and legs and mumbling nonsense. After several minutes of unresponsiveness, the suspect tried to run away from the arresting officers, shrieking: "THEY TRIED TO SELL ME A DICK FULL OF STORIES -- THEY TRIED TO SELL ME A DICK FULL OF STORIES -- FICTION IS THE NEW GOVERNMENT"

When recaptured, suspect also claimed that the entertainers had forced him to create an erotic drawing of Adolph Hitler. 4 ounces of marijuana were confiscated from the suspect when the newsprint was cut away from his body at the county lockup. Also confiscated were a depressing one-legged teddy bear and several issues of "Boy's Life" magazine.

Suspect is being held without bail pending charges of "acting a damn fool" and "telling strange lies," both of which are Class II felonies in Texas. Suspect continues to claim that fiction is responsible for his actions,




Posted by miracle on Thu, 17 Dec 2009 23:38:43 -0500 -- permanent link